the Hope of Survivors

HeLp Me UnDeRsTaNd by Nandipa

Help Me UnderstandHow does this occur?
Surely, surely help her understand how?
Today you are her father
Tomorrow she has an affair with you
the other day it is a moment of weakness
A moment that defines your lust for her
A moment my innocence is robbed away from me
A moment that has scarred her for life
How honestly does all this happen?
What had you seen in a child
Old enough to be your own
Three decades younger than you are
At 33 was when she was born
How honestly help me understand how
Could you long to have such a child?


Here I stand today, lesioned for life
It seems everything else starts from that day
The day that has bred a monster in me
A day I look back with pain and anguish
Why? Oh why? Was I never told?
That the ministers of the word are monsters of the word
Innocently ignorantly I went in search of help
I needed fatherly advice
And I did get fatherly advice
I did learn that men are exceedingly cunningly evil
I was advised within own my underwear!
I still have the pictures vivid in my mind
The caresses
Your arousal
The whisper into my ears
The shivers
I still feel you inside of me
That load over my small weight
Agonizing
Because of the breached trust.
Confusing,
Dress I worn that same night still smell of the place….
Engulfing the gap away from God
Filling me with terror towards men of the gospel
Groomed that I would not even utter a word
How can I ever have my life back?
I cannot even live within myself this day
Just wish I could run out of my frame, seek refuge beyond
Kept all this to myself too long as I was terrified to even share, who would believe?
Lying to me as if he cared when he just wanted to use, abuse and leave confused!
Mounting on your own daughter, is there no shame left in this world?
Nothing, totally nothing do you feel toward the harm caused to this child
Open to not a single human being will I never
Pressure mounting in me almost exploding
Quiet I can’t be for the rest of my life; it is killing me within
Rising up each morning is a torture to my soul, wish night never went away
Sometimes I envy those that rest in their grave, when shall I too?
Take away this pain away from me please,
Under this load of shame I am forced to walk each day
Verily, verily I ask you again this day,
When oh when shall I be vindicated and justice be
Xposed have I been too long to these vultures!
You look at me as if I have become an object of everything, pity, abuse, mercy: sadly,
Zero effect does the word have on my life today I still wish I could understand

I stand in front of other congregants
Whose goggling bulbs shine so bright!
Inhumane does everything in this church seem to me
How do they flock to the house of the Lord, for an announcement?
Announcing how I have been deflowered by a man of God
Honestly help me understand this level of ……
Even a word to describe this ugliness I find not.
Surely the Bible is a sure reference to the future events
“in the last days their love shall wax cold’
Never had I ever imagined such coldness within the house of the Lord
Where then shall I seek refuge, the church has proved me wrong
I cannot go back to the world either, suicide attempt

I am tired of fighting, and now wonder to myself
Will a day ever come?
When I shall let down this guard
When I shall enjoy company
Without always questioning intention

Today I question intention, victimized and objectified have I
Some saw a sexual object, some a punching bag
Others an emotionless rock by the way side
To which harm pains nor harms not
The knock at my door horrifies me
Does he want to rob me of my innocence: which I already lost?
Or just wants to satiate his sexual lust…..
Obviously no one really loves me, experience has taught
No one has ever loved me, a fool to believe those sweet nothings
That really meant nothing if you look closely at them
It was only when they were in serious need
Need to relieve their erected muscles from blue balls
Need to release their anger that boils within them
And after all is said and done
I am put back where I truly belong
And wait for the next who necessitates a dumping site

I look toward heaven
The warm embrace of the sun gives me hope
A day shall come one day
When all this pain shall fade away
When I shall be able to love again,
When I shall look the devil in the eye
And ask him where with his sting is?
But right now I have a wound to nurse
It bleeds profusely day and night
This wound inflicted by a man
A man who came in the name of God
And robbed me of the little I had

A day shall come one day
When at peace I shall be
When the mention of your name
No longer triggers tears down my cheek
When I shall look into your eyes and say you are forgiven
But right now I have this pain to contain
Pain caused by your betrayal of trust
And thrust my already tattered heart
A ferocious storm blows and crushes within me

The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart...Psalms 34:18